Love: only in fairytales

I have a problem with enduring. For some reason I just cant stay doing the same thing. I believe it is because I am such a lonely person I just eventually collapse and have no one there to lean on. There fore I seek companionship in ways that I really shouldn't. Ways that I really don't want to actually. I have realized that I really don't want to give in to temptation, I don't want to drink or smoke or have sex with random guys. I just feel so alone and that is how I cope with it. To be so close to someone; to feel loved by anyone, even if it's just for a few minutes. I just want that one person in my life that will always be there; that I can cook for, that I can take of, that I can rely on, and that I can just love completely and that will love me the same way back. Everyone needs someone, even the most introverted people need someone. The biggest question I have faced in my life is why? Why can't I have someone? I don't even have friends and I never have. I do have a commitment problem...I find it hard to get close to people, but that's only because I have been hurt so many times by so many people. I am always looking for that one person that will make me happy. Whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, I just want someone. I am so contradicting...I want love more than anything in this entire world but I won't open myself up to others. When I do open myself up I don't give anyone a chance, I feel vulnerable around them so I close up no matter if they hurt me or not. There has only been one person to cross 'my barrier'. Jake Smith...I love him so much, but I hurt him so bad. We were together for almost two years. I broke up with him days before Christmas, but that is a whole other story that I don't feel like writing about right now. The fact is that he hates me and I am still so in love with him. When you get out of a relationship it takes another one-or at least another someone- to get over it. Jake and I have been over for a year and a half and I still think about him all the time. The only reason I am still so infatuated is that he is the only one that has gotten through me. I'm a difficult person, I think so anyway. I have been thinking about 'him' lately. Not Jake but the person that I will one day marry. I probably haven't met him yet, in fact I know I haven't, but I feel like its just around the corner. I have been dreaming about marriage and about life and families and I can't help but feel like it's almost here. I am the kind of person that needs marriage, I was born to be a wife. I am sure that There is a lot more in store for me and I do want to pursue a career but I need to be married in order to start my life. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I need a stable environment, I need love before I can start to accomplish anything in my life. I am the kind of person that needs to be married. I want to find him, he will help me so much...I need him so bad. My patriarchal blessing says that he will help me reach my spiritual goals at the proper time. I feel that that time is very soon... I leave on June 6th to the unknown. Hopefully a refuge, an incubator of peace and spiritual growth. This place is harmful not only spiritually but physically too.