A Chance

I am absolutely psychotic. I am really crazy, but I’m not. I can really show you anything I want to. I have a face, I have a mask, but I also have a soul. For some reason I hurt people, do I get a kick out of it? Is it because they hurt me first? Why do I hurt every one that I care about? Am I so absolutely careless with other people’s hearts or is it that I’m so scared of commitment that I have to manipulate everyone to keep myself from getting close to anyone? Michael…he gave me so much, everyone did. Everyone gave me a chance…they continue to love me and I can’t believe that after some of the things I put them through they still care. This morning my sister texted me and told me that I was self manipulative and a bad person and that when she left she never wanted to talk to her family again. That’s really makes me sad because she means so much to me. I love her so much and I really miss her. It was hard for me when she got married because all the sudden I was replaced…She’s the only one I’ve ever had. Apparently she hates us though… I don’t know what to say to him to make him understand… He’s seen all my bad sides but never any good. How can you try to get to know someone if they don’t want to know you. If they refuse to see you, they just keep convincing themselves you’re such a bad person. I guess it doesn’t matter because I know that nothing will ever happen between us, I guess I always knew but tried to deny myself of reality just for the thought that I could have something like that. Like him. But mostly I just want a friend, just someone I can talk to. He’s right though, we don’t know each other…and he just doesn’t want to know me. He won’t give me a chance. I’m guilty of the very same thing though…

Guys are my way of coping, to feel so close to someone. Love is something I’ve always lacked so what better way to get it then to make it. The thing is…I have yet to find it, still. And now I’ve really come to dislike sex. Just the thought of sleeping with another immature dirty teenaged boy who only wants to get laid really makes me want to rip his tongue off and castrate him. (I can see why people think I’m dramatic.) I just don’t understand. First of all why I can’t have someone but also… who in their right mind would ever love me. I am a mess. When they get past that part maybe they can learn to love me but I’m so deep, I don’t think I’ve ever let anyone completely in. On the other hand I’m just like everyone else, just looking for that one person that will always be there. So absolutely desperate for love. Love is so complicated though because everyone feels differently. Feeling is a one way thing. If you feel for someone, they don't feel for you back. Maybe in certain cases they do, but they never really feel exactly what you're feeling. You could be totally, completely in love with someone and they just blow you off because they don't feel the same way. That is the great difference between men and women; women feel, men don't. Men are horny and they can be the sweetest guys in the entire world for ever, but right when you let him 'in' he never talks to you again or becomes a huge jerk. Never fails. I've been with more guys then I care to share right now. The thing is, guys don't feel. You can do everything for them, give them your whole heart but, when you sleep with them their feelings suddenly vanish. I have experienced this time and time again. ...Actually...with every single guy I've been with. Everyone but one...Jake. He was different, but when we first got together I have to be honest I was just looking for a one nighter, so I threw myself at him. He said that if I would have slept with him that night, he wouldn't have called me back. How sweet…He actually wanted me…not my body, not my tongue…Me. There are good guys out there, sadly I let one of the best ones go, for another. The guy that refuses to give me a chance. He actually told me that I need to see a counselor lol. What am I thinking? I can’t do this anymore…I don’t want to. I hate being this way. I hate myself this way. It’s hard to look in the mirror and see that glow that was once ravishing my eyes, gone. I need to get my glow back…And I will.

Love: only in fairytales

I have a problem with enduring. For some reason I just cant stay doing the same thing. I believe it is because I am such a lonely person I just eventually collapse and have no one there to lean on. There fore I seek companionship in ways that I really shouldn't. Ways that I really don't want to actually. I have realized that I really don't want to give in to temptation, I don't want to drink or smoke or have sex with random guys. I just feel so alone and that is how I cope with it. To be so close to someone; to feel loved by anyone, even if it's just for a few minutes. I just want that one person in my life that will always be there; that I can cook for, that I can take of, that I can rely on, and that I can just love completely and that will love me the same way back. Everyone needs someone, even the most introverted people need someone. The biggest question I have faced in my life is why? Why can't I have someone? I don't even have friends and I never have. I do have a commitment problem...I find it hard to get close to people, but that's only because I have been hurt so many times by so many people. I am always looking for that one person that will make me happy. Whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, I just want someone. I am so contradicting...I want love more than anything in this entire world but I won't open myself up to others. When I do open myself up I don't give anyone a chance, I feel vulnerable around them so I close up no matter if they hurt me or not. There has only been one person to cross 'my barrier'. Jake Smith...I love him so much, but I hurt him so bad. We were together for almost two years. I broke up with him days before Christmas, but that is a whole other story that I don't feel like writing about right now. The fact is that he hates me and I am still so in love with him. When you get out of a relationship it takes another one-or at least another someone- to get over it. Jake and I have been over for a year and a half and I still think about him all the time. The only reason I am still so infatuated is that he is the only one that has gotten through me. I'm a difficult person, I think so anyway. I have been thinking about 'him' lately. Not Jake but the person that I will one day marry. I probably haven't met him yet, in fact I know I haven't, but I feel like its just around the corner. I have been dreaming about marriage and about life and families and I can't help but feel like it's almost here. I am the kind of person that needs marriage, I was born to be a wife. I am sure that There is a lot more in store for me and I do want to pursue a career but I need to be married in order to start my life. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I need a stable environment, I need love before I can start to accomplish anything in my life. I am the kind of person that needs to be married. I want to find him, he will help me so much...I need him so bad. My patriarchal blessing says that he will help me reach my spiritual goals at the proper time. I feel that that time is very soon... I leave on June 6th to the unknown. Hopefully a refuge, an incubator of peace and spiritual growth. This place is harmful not only spiritually but physically too.

my Fairytale, my War

<!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE

I've always thought of my life as a fairytale; waiting for that handsome prince to come take me away; sweep me off my feet. Ever since I was a little girl I always thought life was like that. You're born, you grow up, you get married, you live happily ever after, and of course one day you inevitably die without any hardship. Just a perfect life, with perfect man, with a perfect family. I have found in my short 19 years of living that life is not like that at all. I have been through much tribulation in my life, and it never really seems to lighten. Even when it seems like everything is fine and everything should be okay-that's almost when its the worst for me. I've been in a storm my whole life, and now without the storm I'm completely lost and am almost making one up just so there is some kind of chaos in my life. Isn't that sad? That I have grown up with it and now I cannot handle being without it. At the same time though I pack projects upon myself and give myself no room succeed. There is always something going on in my life and more than likely quite a few things that I need to keep up with. How can one succeed if they are raised to be a failure? All my life people thought I would be the next disappointment. My grandmother had my mother at a young age, and she had me at a young age. The expected is for me to get pregnant and barely make it through waitressing jobs. I knew it too; I knew that's all I was good for, I knew that's what was going to happen to me, but then I changed. My life has taken quite a turn. For the better...some people say, some people don't. There are two groups of people: The ones that go party, never really grow up and just want to have fun the rest of their lives. The other group is the people that do something with their lives and mature. Group one consists of half of my family and of course kids at school. I love my family very very much, so its hard for me to separate myself from that group of people. The other group consists of the other half of my family and my ward family (church). Two very opposing forces in my life and they are always at war inside me. I want my family to love me, but they think my church is stupid-or so they say. I know that what they are doing is wrong but sometimes it feels good to be a kid again-for the time being. Which one will win? I seem to be on the edge of a cliff right now in my life. I could make choices that could ruin me and take away all that I have worked so hard for the last two years or I could succeed and turn my life back into that fairytale. You'd think it was obvious...and it is...but the hardest part is yet to come. That is enduring.